movie review time

A couple weekends ago I had an empty calendar so I decided to make the best of this occasion and catch up on my Netflix rentals. First off, my Netflix queue is a reflection of the mood I was in when I made my movie selections. For example, one week I received The Invasion, Michael Clayton and Eastern Promises so I was feeling a bit dramatic. Another week I received Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show and Flight of the Conchords so I was in a humorous mood. This week I am getting RocknRolla, 3:10 to Yuma and Casino Royale so you do the math of the mood I was in last week.

I’m not exactly sure if someone hacked my Netflix account, I inhaled toxic fumes or was abducted by aliens but these next three rentals were beyond my intellectual capacity of why they were chosen: The Other Boleyn Girl, Tower of Terror and Step Up 2: The Streets. I usually review movies that are being shown in the theater, but I have to make an exception for these 3 “movies”.

The Other Boleyn Girl
Am I the only one who wonders why none of these people are British? When I think of English history, Natalie Portman and Scarlett Jonansson don’t immediately come to mind – plus I still haven’t forgiven Portman for the Star Wars movies. For shame! The story was not historically accurate, the “accents” sounded like a bar game I play when I’m drunk and pretend to be Bridgette from merry ol’ England, and they made Boleyn this whiny, fearful frat girl when she was really a headstrong woman. At her execution, the real Boleyn welcomed death and even thanked Henry for being such a good King. In the movie, Portman was bugging me so much I wanted to jump into the television, grab the sword, cut off her head and burn the pieces – just in case she’s immortal.


Tower of Terror
I finally figured out what happened to Steve Guttenberg. Hollywood must have seen Tower and Terror and exiled him to some dark and scary place, and rightfully they should. They let the Police Academy movies slide but Tower of Terror was the last straw. Holy good gosh this was probably the worst movie I have ever seen. How they got Kristen Dunst to star in this is beyond me. I am guessing this is how the conversation went:

Cira 1997
Disney King: Tower of Terror sure is one popular ride. We should make a movie about it!
Disney Peon: I think Pirates of the Caribbean is a pretty cool ride. Why don’t we make a movie about that?
Disney King: Shut up you fool! No one would pay money to see that! Who would you get to star in it – that dork from Nightmare on Elm Street? Do you know who’s hot? Steve Guttenberg! Get him to be the lead and that whiny kid from Interview with a Vampire. I need the script by 8:00 AM tomorrow, the movie filmed by next Tuesday and released that Thursday.
Disney Peon: Do I have a special effect budget?
Disney King: ( walks away)

Halfway through the movie I got a glass of wine. I now realize it was to go with all the cheese I was witnessing – or I needed to get drunk and hopefully forget the lame.


Step Up 2: The Streets
(sighhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Robert Hoffman was awesome and hot.