Believe it or not, it was 10 years ago that I decided to go to the DMV to update my driver’s license. At that time I was turning 21 and refused to have an ID that had the blue and red lines, which labeled me as a pariah, so I decided to get a new driver’s license so I could order a beer with ease. Wearing my cute green, stripped tank top and bright red lipstick, I showed up for my scheduled appointment at the Westminster DMV completely jubilant that I was there proclaiming myself as a 21-year-old.
To this day it is still my favorite photo.
Fast forward to today. Good lord. Receiving the renewal notice in the mail was only another reminder that I am getting older, but now the DMV has the balls to tell me that when I renew my driver’s license this time I have to actually go into the DMV. I still hear the horror stories people share – they waited an hour, the employees were rude, some guy was knitting in line (wait, what? thanks heather).
I visit the DMV Web site to look up the office hours and closest location. Office hours are 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. How convenient for the working folk.
I go to the map to find the closest location and click on Santa Ana, which is the only city they have in Orange County by the way. In the larger map that opens up, the farthest boundary is Garden Grove. I zoom back out and try the Oceanside map for kicks. The Costa Mesa location finally comes up. Apparently the good people at the DMV think Irvine, Newport Beach and Laguna are closer to Oceanside than Santa Ana. It’s a government agency, why question the logic.
I call to schedule an appointment and press the endless numbers that carry me deeper and deeper through the appointment system. A whopping 7 minutes later I finally hear the kind man voice ask if I want to schedule an appointment. I exhaustively reply “yes”.
“I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. The kind man voice has turned on me.
Day 2. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. I am plotting to kill the kind man voice.
Weekend. Stupid kind man voice.
Day 6. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. Blast you kind voice man and your kind voice family!
Day 5. Because my optimism can sometimes be a defect more than an endearing attribute, I am determined to get an appointment today or do the unthinkable and just walk in without an appointment. So I decide to dress up for the photo, use more lip gloss than necessary and poof my hair.
10:00 Check the wait time on the Costa Mesa DMV Web site: No Appointment: 8 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Who the hell got an appointment?!? Wait, why is there a wait for appointments?!?
11:40: Check wait time one more time before heading over. I am optimistic that I can do this on my lunch hour. No Appointment: 6 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Stupid DMV.
11:50 Realize I forgot my renewal form. Gosh damnit.
12:00 On my way, again, to the DMV really pushing my luck by going at lunch time – lunch hour for many, beginning of the day for others and mandatory outing time for people on probation.
12:10 Park in the empty parking lot –so far looking good.
12:11 My mouth drops in horror when I see the entry line wrapping around the building.
12:20 Overhear the burly biker dude at the front of the line asking for directions to get his license back after being incarcerated. Are you kidding me?
12:30 Front the of line! I was stamped H046.
12:31 Decide to run to the restroom.
12:33 See H046 flashing on the TV screen scattered around the building so I run to the window that’s ready to help me.
12:34 I smile to the man behind the counter, happy that this was looking to be a quick and painless process. I get the look of fury. “Why didn’t you come when I called you?” Smile gone and quickly in attack mode. “I just saw my number flashing. I was in the restroom.” “Well you took too long so now I’m going to help her.” Pointing to the little old woman who snuck up behind me.
12:35 I sulk to my seat, knowing it was too good to be true and beating myself up that I am officially slower than the DMV and a little old woman combined.
12:36 I watch the old woman fail her vision test miserably. She gets to take the “other eye test”. I’m assuming that means she gets to look at bigger letters.
12:37 Angry DMV Man: “Please read the first line of letters.”
Old Woman: “There is no line of letters!”
Angry DMV Man: “Yes there is.”
Old Woman: “Well I don’t see them!”
Angry DMV Man: “Please read the second line of letters.”
Old Woman: “F, T, P, um D, um… um… Y?
Angry DMV Man: “Take this slip and go take your picture.”
Adele: OMFG! Mental note: find out where the old woman lives and stay as far from the city as possible.
12:38 Angry DMV Man waves me over. “You know I could have sent you back to get a new number but since you have a nice smile I’ll let it slide.” I am officially creeped out.
12:40 100% on the vision test, paid my $28 and now I’m off to the photo line.
12:41 The reason for the long line at the photo counter is because a man who looks like the angry army man from Hot Rot is complaining about taking time out of his busy schedule to come down to the DMV. I’m not buying it.
12:42 The woman in front of me is wearing flip flops from the Jenna Jamenson collection. She is also holding her squirming 2-year-old daughter. I patiently wait for her to eat it. Hard.
To this day it is still my favorite photo.
Fast forward to today. Good lord. Receiving the renewal notice in the mail was only another reminder that I am getting older, but now the DMV has the balls to tell me that when I renew my driver’s license this time I have to actually go into the DMV. I still hear the horror stories people share – they waited an hour, the employees were rude, some guy was knitting in line (wait, what? thanks heather).
I visit the DMV Web site to look up the office hours and closest location. Office hours are 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. How convenient for the working folk.
I go to the map to find the closest location and click on Santa Ana, which is the only city they have in Orange County by the way. In the larger map that opens up, the farthest boundary is Garden Grove. I zoom back out and try the Oceanside map for kicks. The Costa Mesa location finally comes up. Apparently the good people at the DMV think Irvine, Newport Beach and Laguna are closer to Oceanside than Santa Ana. It’s a government agency, why question the logic.
I call to schedule an appointment and press the endless numbers that carry me deeper and deeper through the appointment system. A whopping 7 minutes later I finally hear the kind man voice ask if I want to schedule an appointment. I exhaustively reply “yes”.
“I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. The kind man voice has turned on me.
Day 2. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. I am plotting to kill the kind man voice.
Weekend. Stupid kind man voice.
Day 6. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. Blast you kind voice man and your kind voice family!
Day 5. Because my optimism can sometimes be a defect more than an endearing attribute, I am determined to get an appointment today or do the unthinkable and just walk in without an appointment. So I decide to dress up for the photo, use more lip gloss than necessary and poof my hair.
10:00 Check the wait time on the Costa Mesa DMV Web site: No Appointment: 8 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Who the hell got an appointment?!? Wait, why is there a wait for appointments?!?
11:40: Check wait time one more time before heading over. I am optimistic that I can do this on my lunch hour. No Appointment: 6 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Stupid DMV.
11:50 Realize I forgot my renewal form. Gosh damnit.
12:00 On my way, again, to the DMV really pushing my luck by going at lunch time – lunch hour for many, beginning of the day for others and mandatory outing time for people on probation.
12:10 Park in the empty parking lot –so far looking good.
12:11 My mouth drops in horror when I see the entry line wrapping around the building.
12:20 Overhear the burly biker dude at the front of the line asking for directions to get his license back after being incarcerated. Are you kidding me?
12:30 Front the of line! I was stamped H046.
12:31 Decide to run to the restroom.
12:33 See H046 flashing on the TV screen scattered around the building so I run to the window that’s ready to help me.
12:34 I smile to the man behind the counter, happy that this was looking to be a quick and painless process. I get the look of fury. “Why didn’t you come when I called you?” Smile gone and quickly in attack mode. “I just saw my number flashing. I was in the restroom.” “Well you took too long so now I’m going to help her.” Pointing to the little old woman who snuck up behind me.
12:35 I sulk to my seat, knowing it was too good to be true and beating myself up that I am officially slower than the DMV and a little old woman combined.
12:36 I watch the old woman fail her vision test miserably. She gets to take the “other eye test”. I’m assuming that means she gets to look at bigger letters.
12:37 Angry DMV Man: “Please read the first line of letters.”
Old Woman: “There is no line of letters!”
Angry DMV Man: “Yes there is.”
Old Woman: “Well I don’t see them!”
Angry DMV Man: “Please read the second line of letters.”
Old Woman: “F, T, P, um D, um… um… Y?
Angry DMV Man: “Take this slip and go take your picture.”
Adele: OMFG! Mental note: find out where the old woman lives and stay as far from the city as possible.
12:38 Angry DMV Man waves me over. “You know I could have sent you back to get a new number but since you have a nice smile I’ll let it slide.” I am officially creeped out.
12:40 100% on the vision test, paid my $28 and now I’m off to the photo line.
12:41 The reason for the long line at the photo counter is because a man who looks like the angry army man from Hot Rot is complaining about taking time out of his busy schedule to come down to the DMV. I’m not buying it.
12:42 The woman in front of me is wearing flip flops from the Jenna Jamenson collection. She is also holding her squirming 2-year-old daughter. I patiently wait for her to eat it. Hard.
jenna is missing her flip flops
12:43 No luck seeing anyone eat it and it’s finally my turn for the photo. The lady asks for Add-a-lay Pull-lice. I say “It’s Adele.” “Well why do you spell it that way then?” “Because that’s how you spell Adele.” She is not amused.
12:44 Quick pic and I ask the hooked-on-phonics lady how it came out. No reply.
As I left the building, still amazed that only an hour of my life was taken from me, and feeling as if I just watched an episode of Cops, I was happy that my decade trip to the DMV was now over. Even if I am giving the stink eye in my driver’s license photo, I think it will just as good, if not better than the previous one just from the blood, sweat and tears that went into renewing that license. Okay that was a bit dramatic.
12:44 Quick pic and I ask the hooked-on-phonics lady how it came out. No reply.
As I left the building, still amazed that only an hour of my life was taken from me, and feeling as if I just watched an episode of Cops, I was happy that my decade trip to the DMV was now over. Even if I am giving the stink eye in my driver’s license photo, I think it will just as good, if not better than the previous one just from the blood, sweat and tears that went into renewing that license. Okay that was a bit dramatic.
No comments:
Post a Comment