really?

This week’s Really? is brought to us from Spain. A toymaker has released Bebe Gloton – translation: "what the fuc*?!". Kids wear a vest with flowers on the nipple area – already this is bad. When the baby is close to the flowers it makes a sucking noise to simulate breastfeeding. Really?

For all you crazy La Leche League women, you can reserve yours on eBay for the economical price of $112.00.

dear spain: do you remember the exact moment you went insane?

reason #37 why men who get mani/pedis scare me

After an excruciating week, which included long lunches, dinners, too much drinking and vegan food, I decided to treat myself and get a pedicure. Half way through my pampering a man entered the spa and requested a mani/pedi. First off, when I man wants a mani/pedi you stop and pay attention. I was a bit honored that he chose the spot next to me, but the second he started speaking I was ready to rip the nail file from my manicurist’s hand and stab the man in the eye. After a while I couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth so I started taking notes on my cell phone. This is what was actually conversed:

“I just got in from the Philippines I am here looking for property I saw your sign but you were closed last night so I looked you up on the Web and saw I could come in today for services because I have been tired from my time in the Philippines I would get manicures and pedicures often in the Philippines and in the Philippines if a man walked into a salon you would be stared at because manicures and pedicures are not common for men in the Philippines so I just flew in from the Philippines and I’m looking for a property in either Orange County, Los Angeles or San Diego something on a hill like how I lived in the Philippines I lived in the Philippines for business I’m not going back to the Philippines I need a cell phone, a pager and a haircut before I look for a house in either Orange County, Los Angeles or San Diego by the way I am looking for a house on a hill in either Orange County, Los Angeles or San Diego I don’t get along with my cousins one cousin visited me in the Philippines in the Philippines you walk everywhere so I am trying to smooth my feet since I am looking for a house in Orange County, Los Angeles or San Diego I need to learn where everything is located since I was in the Philippines but I am not going back to the Philippines where I lived for a long time where I had to walk everywhere that’s why my feet are so rough because of the walking in the Philippines…”

I went home and drafted the following letter:

Dear Philippines,

Take him back or I will declare war.
XOXO

Adele

actual conversations I had this year

Person #1: (looks into the candy bowl in my cube) Wow, chocolate eggs.
Me: Yep, from See’s. I only bring the best.
Person #1: It’s not dark chocolate though, I only like dark chocolate.
Me: Well then you don’t get any.
Person #1: Sorry I don’t like dark chocolate.
Me: (evil stare and thinking “are you sh***** me?”

Person #1: Are you mad at me?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Person #1: No
Me: Then no, I’m not mad at you.
Person #1: What if I said yes.
Me: How was your weekend?

Person #2: How did the chat go?
Me: I don’t use the word nemesis enough…

Person #3: (grabbing tissue with Vic VaporRub coated on it to clean his mug)
Me: No! Don’t use that, it has the VaporRub on it.
Person #3: That’s a good thing! It will disinfect my mug.
Me: Um, no it won’t. It may make your mug breathe easier.
Person #3: Really?

Me: So my friend’s brother signed his e-mail to me: Have a rad day.
Person #4: We need to bring back RAD…
Me: I think that’s our goal for the month.
Person #4: And now we enter April, the month of rad.
Me: And so it begins.

Me: (walking inside the house)
Person #5: Is that you?
Me: No.
Person #5: Be serious. Are you home?
Me: No I’m in France.
Person #5: Would it kill you to answer a question?
Me: Would it kill you to wait 10 minutes before making my head explode?

my kingdom for a mouse

In the working world I’m a simple gal. I don’t need fancy office supplies like decorative file folders or a bean bag for my cell phone.

really? really?

My post-it notes are pink and my pencil is not mechanical. I don’t like motivational posters, but if I had to look at one it would be this:


I have had the same mouse for the past five years. This last year I thought I had cube ghosts because the mouse curser would randomly travel to different areas on the screen. The cord is so sensitive, if I sneeze it would unplug from the computer – those of you who know how I sneeze, and to unplug something as a result of said sneeze, know this is a feat. Finally fed up I asked the IT department for a new mouse; a cordless mouse. See what I did there?

When you watch the Saturday Night Live skits or movies based in an office, the IT guy is this stereotypical nerd that has been given an ounce of power and has converted it into a pound of tyranny. To set the record straight, yes this stereotype is true. Our company IT department has us submit an e-mail to the “Help Desk” if we have computer problems. Computer doesn’t work so you can’t e-mail, right? You can call HELP on your telephone. Our telephones are connected to the network so if the network is down, not only can you not e-mail but you cannot call HELP. Makes sense so far.

I submitted my ticket for a new cordless mouse and got the following reply:

Dear Adele Pulice,

We have received your email request for help regarding "Mouse replacement." We require the following information so that we can assist you with this request: Please tell us what is wrong with the wireless mouse, have you tried resetting it? Have you replaced batteries?

Best Regards,
Helpdesk

First of all, F you Help Desk for assuming I don’t know to replace the batteries! (Update: I found out that this is a popular Help Desk ticket. Apparently people don’t realize if a battery-operated item stops working, it may be that the batteries are dead – interesting.) Second, I have a wired mouse. WIRED! I sent the following reply:

Hello,

The issue is I have a mouse with a cord and if I tug on the cord, even slightly, the mouse stops working, therefore I put in the ticket to get a cordless mouse. I’ve had this mouse for almost 5 years and I think it’s just time for it to die.

And if I did have a cordless mouse I would have definitely checked the batteries first :)

Adele Pulice

Adding the :) has assured that my statement is to be viewed as casual and calm and also that I am not an idiot and would think about replacing the batteries. Not a minute later I got the following reply:

Dear Adele Pulice,

We are contacting you regarding "Mouse replacement." To exchange your current regular mouse, please reply to this email and let us know. To obtain a wireless mouse, we need approval from an employee with a title of VP or higher ranking. This can be written up in an email and forwarded to Helpdesk referring to SR 1______. Please understand we need written business and group justification for the purchase. If you require further assistance with this issue, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Regards,
Helpdesk

Let’s break this down before I go off on a killing rampage: First off, it was signed Regards, not even Best Regards as in the last e-mail so apparently the :) betrayed me and didn’t work or the IT guy does not have a sense of humor – I’m going with the latter since you should never underestimate the power of the :)

Second: Now I have to get a VP approval for a mouse. Let me remind you kind reader that this was a request for a mouse. A MOUSE! Our department currently does not have a VP so for approval I would have to go to the President of our division, ask him to write an e-mail to the Help Desk and give me permission to have a cordless mouse. I might as well have handed him his cordless mouse and let him beat me with it.

Refusing to give into IT’s request, we found an abandoned wired mouse in an empty office. I feel dirty and beaten.

I think this is what the IT guy looked like

let's go to the dmv

Believe it or not, it was 10 years ago that I decided to go to the DMV to update my driver’s license. At that time I was turning 21 and refused to have an ID that had the blue and red lines, which labeled me as a pariah, so I decided to get a new driver’s license so I could order a beer with ease. Wearing my cute green, stripped tank top and bright red lipstick, I showed up for my scheduled appointment at the Westminster DMV completely jubilant that I was there proclaiming myself as a 21-year-old.

To this day it is still my favorite photo.

Fast forward to today. Good lord. Receiving the renewal notice in the mail was only another reminder that I am getting older, but now the DMV has the balls to tell me that when I renew my driver’s license this time I have to actually go into the DMV. I still hear the horror stories people share – they waited an hour, the employees were rude, some guy was knitting in line (wait, what? thanks heather).

I visit the DMV Web site to look up the office hours and closest location. Office hours are 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. How convenient for the working folk.

I go to the map to find the closest location and click on Santa Ana, which is the only city they have in Orange County by the way. In the larger map that opens up, the farthest boundary is Garden Grove. I zoom back out and try the Oceanside map for kicks. The Costa Mesa location finally comes up. Apparently the good people at the DMV think Irvine, Newport Beach and Laguna are closer to Oceanside than Santa Ana. It’s a government agency, why question the logic.

I call to schedule an appointment and press the endless numbers that carry me deeper and deeper through the appointment system. A whopping 7 minutes later I finally hear the kind man voice ask if I want to schedule an appointment. I exhaustively reply “yes”.

“I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. The kind man voice has turned on me.

Day 2. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. I am plotting to kill the kind man voice.

Weekend. Stupid kind man voice.

Day 6. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. Blast you kind voice man and your kind voice family!

Day 5. Because my optimism can sometimes be a defect more than an endearing attribute, I am determined to get an appointment today or do the unthinkable and just walk in without an appointment. So I decide to dress up for the photo, use more lip gloss than necessary and poof my hair.

10:00 Check the wait time on the Costa Mesa DMV Web site: No Appointment: 8 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Who the hell got an appointment?!? Wait, why is there a wait for appointments?!?

11:40: Check wait time one more time before heading over. I am optimistic that I can do this on my lunch hour. No Appointment: 6 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Stupid DMV.

11:50 Realize I forgot my renewal form. Gosh damnit.

12:00 On my way, again, to the DMV really pushing my luck by going at lunch time – lunch hour for many, beginning of the day for others and mandatory outing time for people on probation.

12:10 Park in the empty parking lot –so far looking good.

12:11 My mouth drops in horror when I see the entry line wrapping around the building.

12:20 Overhear the burly biker dude at the front of the line asking for directions to get his license back after being incarcerated. Are you kidding me?

12:30 Front the of line! I was stamped H046.

12:31 Decide to run to the restroom.

12:33 See H046 flashing on the TV screen scattered around the building so I run to the window that’s ready to help me.

12:34 I smile to the man behind the counter, happy that this was looking to be a quick and painless process. I get the look of fury. “Why didn’t you come when I called you?” Smile gone and quickly in attack mode. “I just saw my number flashing. I was in the restroom.” “Well you took too long so now I’m going to help her.” Pointing to the little old woman who snuck up behind me.

12:35 I sulk to my seat, knowing it was too good to be true and beating myself up that I am officially slower than the DMV and a little old woman combined.

12:36 I watch the old woman fail her vision test miserably. She gets to take the “other eye test”. I’m assuming that means she gets to look at bigger letters.

12:37 Angry DMV Man: “Please read the first line of letters.”
Old Woman: “There is no line of letters!”
Angry DMV Man: “Yes there is.”
Old Woman: “Well I don’t see them!”
Angry DMV Man: “Please read the second line of letters.”
Old Woman: “F, T, P, um D, um… um… Y?
Angry DMV Man: “Take this slip and go take your picture.”
Adele: OMFG! Mental note: find out where the old woman lives and stay as far from the city as possible.

12:38 Angry DMV Man waves me over. “You know I could have sent you back to get a new number but since you have a nice smile I’ll let it slide.” I am officially creeped out.

12:40 100% on the vision test, paid my $28 and now I’m off to the photo line.

12:41 The reason for the long line at the photo counter is because a man who looks like the angry army man from Hot Rot is complaining about taking time out of his busy schedule to come down to the DMV. I’m not buying it.

12:42 The woman in front of me is wearing flip flops from the Jenna Jamenson collection. She is also holding her squirming 2-year-old daughter. I patiently wait for her to eat it. Hard.

jenna is missing her flip flops

12:43 No luck seeing anyone eat it and it’s finally my turn for the photo. The lady asks for Add-a-lay Pull-lice. I say “It’s Adele.” “Well why do you spell it that way then?” “Because that’s how you spell Adele.” She is not amused.

12:44 Quick pic and I ask the hooked-on-phonics lady how it came out. No reply.

As I left the building, still amazed that only an hour of my life was taken from me, and feeling as if I just watched an episode of Cops, I was happy that my decade trip to the DMV was now over. Even if I am giving the stink eye in my driver’s license photo, I think it will just as good, if not better than the previous one just from the blood, sweat and tears that went into renewing that license. Okay that was a bit dramatic.