movie review time

Due to the fact that I have a life, as meager as it is, I have been keeping up-to-date with my cinema and have had no time for movie reviews. I realized this as I was watching an ad announcing Push coming to DVD. Since there have been a lot of movies out lately I decided to review each movie within four sentences starting with …

Push
Why is this movie so familiar? Oh that’s right; I once saw an episode of Heroes. The Gelfling eyes of Dakota Fanning scared the hell out of me and made me have nightmares for a week. Chris Evans was awesome and hot.

dakota fanning in push

Watchmen
This is for the 99% of the people who saw this movie and did not read the graphic novel – I was promised an action movie! I get that it is a political story, but that is not how it came across in the trailers and I for one feel betrayed and angry. I saw this in IMAX and did not need to see an angry 80-foot tall blue penis for two hours. Patrick Wilson was awesome and hot.


I Love You, Man
I’m slappin’ the base! Enough said. Paul Rudd was awesome and hot.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine
For the love of all that is holy; what a horrible movie. Half of the “mutants” were as threatening as a Care Bear. Ryan Reynolds was awesome and hot. Not you Hugh, you made me watch this monstrosity!


Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
I am embarrassed I went to see this. You will never believe the ending – he learned his lesson and will forever be a great guy. I just threw up a little in my mouth.


Star Trek
I have never been into the whole Star Trek phenomenon, and do make fun of the occasional Trekkie, but I have to comment that this was one of the best movies of the year. Chris Pine was awesome and uber hot.


Angels & Demons
If you didn’t read the book and have a hard time concentrating, you are SOL. Nice cut Mr. Hanks. Ewan McGregor was awesome and hot.


Terminator Salvation
McG, Common, Jadagrace – does anyone have a last name anymore? Oh wait, Moon Bloodgood does. I am thankful for seeing this movie because it introduced me to Sam Worthington. Sam Worthington was awesome and uber hot (note the italics).

we are getting married in October by the sea

The Hangover
Naked “Leslie Chow” jumping out of a trunk? You cannot get any funnier than that. Bradley Cooper was awesome and hot.


The Proposal
Romantic comedy? More like make-me-feel-guilty-and-want-to-bake-Betty-White-a-cake movie. Plus seeing Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds naked pretty much made the whole theater want to drown their sorrows in buttered popcorn. Ryan Reynolds was awesome and hot.


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This movie had it all – racism, sexism, the lamest transformer ever, a tongue on a long-metal Transformer tongue, robots in disguise trying to destroy the one ring to rule them all in Mount Doom, the mother eating pot brownies and hilarity ensuing, complicated plot, robot balls, “actors” who you would smack if you ran into them on the street and Megan Fox’s alien thumbs. At least there wasn’t a helicopter flying into the sunset. Oh wait, it’s Michael Bay so there was 80 of those shots. I was hoping Bumble Bee would transform into an alarm clock to wake me up from the “action”.

90% of the movie

Bruno
I never thought I would say this, but way too much penis.


Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
These adorable 30-year-olds are making me go to a midnight showing – that is huge. The spirit of Robert Pattinson was awesome and hot.


G.I. Joe
This hasn’t even come out yet, I know it will suck, but I am not going to give this a bad review because I do not want to make Channing Tatum cry. Channing Tatum is awesome and uber hot.

can your crush do this?

i am divorcing sam in november and marrying channing in december by the sea

actual conversations I had this year

Person #1: (looks into the candy bowl in my cube) Wow, chocolate eggs.
Me: Yep, from See’s. I only bring the best.
Person #1: It’s not dark chocolate though, I only like dark chocolate.
Me: Well then you don’t get any.
Person #1: Sorry I don’t like dark chocolate.
Me: (evil stare and thinking “are you sh***** me?”

Person #1: Are you mad at me?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Person #1: No
Me: Then no, I’m not mad at you.
Person #1: What if I said yes.
Me: How was your weekend?

Person #2: How did the chat go?
Me: I don’t use the word nemesis enough…

Person #3: (grabbing tissue with Vic VaporRub coated on it to clean his mug)
Me: No! Don’t use that, it has the VaporRub on it.
Person #3: That’s a good thing! It will disinfect my mug.
Me: Um, no it won’t. It may make your mug breathe easier.
Person #3: Really?

Me: So my friend’s brother signed his e-mail to me: Have a rad day.
Person #4: We need to bring back RAD…
Me: I think that’s our goal for the month.
Person #4: And now we enter April, the month of rad.
Me: And so it begins.

Me: (walking inside the house)
Person #5: Is that you?
Me: No.
Person #5: Be serious. Are you home?
Me: No I’m in France.
Person #5: Would it kill you to answer a question?
Me: Would it kill you to wait 10 minutes before making my head explode?

movie review time

A couple weekends ago I had an empty calendar so I decided to make the best of this occasion and catch up on my Netflix rentals. First off, my Netflix queue is a reflection of the mood I was in when I made my movie selections. For example, one week I received The Invasion, Michael Clayton and Eastern Promises so I was feeling a bit dramatic. Another week I received Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show and Flight of the Conchords so I was in a humorous mood. This week I am getting RocknRolla, 3:10 to Yuma and Casino Royale so you do the math of the mood I was in last week.

I’m not exactly sure if someone hacked my Netflix account, I inhaled toxic fumes or was abducted by aliens but these next three rentals were beyond my intellectual capacity of why they were chosen: The Other Boleyn Girl, Tower of Terror and Step Up 2: The Streets. I usually review movies that are being shown in the theater, but I have to make an exception for these 3 “movies”.

The Other Boleyn Girl
Am I the only one who wonders why none of these people are British? When I think of English history, Natalie Portman and Scarlett Jonansson don’t immediately come to mind – plus I still haven’t forgiven Portman for the Star Wars movies. For shame! The story was not historically accurate, the “accents” sounded like a bar game I play when I’m drunk and pretend to be Bridgette from merry ol’ England, and they made Boleyn this whiny, fearful frat girl when she was really a headstrong woman. At her execution, the real Boleyn welcomed death and even thanked Henry for being such a good King. In the movie, Portman was bugging me so much I wanted to jump into the television, grab the sword, cut off her head and burn the pieces – just in case she’s immortal.


Tower of Terror
I finally figured out what happened to Steve Guttenberg. Hollywood must have seen Tower and Terror and exiled him to some dark and scary place, and rightfully they should. They let the Police Academy movies slide but Tower of Terror was the last straw. Holy good gosh this was probably the worst movie I have ever seen. How they got Kristen Dunst to star in this is beyond me. I am guessing this is how the conversation went:

Cira 1997
Disney King: Tower of Terror sure is one popular ride. We should make a movie about it!
Disney Peon: I think Pirates of the Caribbean is a pretty cool ride. Why don’t we make a movie about that?
Disney King: Shut up you fool! No one would pay money to see that! Who would you get to star in it – that dork from Nightmare on Elm Street? Do you know who’s hot? Steve Guttenberg! Get him to be the lead and that whiny kid from Interview with a Vampire. I need the script by 8:00 AM tomorrow, the movie filmed by next Tuesday and released that Thursday.
Disney Peon: Do I have a special effect budget?
Disney King: ( walks away)

Halfway through the movie I got a glass of wine. I now realize it was to go with all the cheese I was witnessing – or I needed to get drunk and hopefully forget the lame.


Step Up 2: The Streets
(sighhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Robert Hoffman was awesome and hot.

song you need to download now

I Don't Know - Lisa Hannigan

movie review time

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This was an excellent movie. Best Picture material! Cate Blanchette is such a good actress she scared the bejezzes out of me when she was old and dying in the hospital. She looked like she should be fighting off Skeksis and helping Jen get the chard to the Dark Crystal.

this is cate blanchette in the movie

Brad Pitt was awesome and hot – even as an old man. How many guys can pull that off? Maybe Dick Van Dike cira Dick Tracy, but that’s about it.