movie review time

Twilight
Where do I begin? First of all, the director, music editor, screenwriter and all emo kids need to be taken out behind a building and bitch slapped. What a horrible movie adaptation! It did not do justice to the novel and that’s too bad since it’s a great book. I guess it also didn’t help that every high school girl in America was in my theater and screamed from things as big as Edward entering the room to things as small as Bella “acting”.

The music editor needs an extra bitch slap for the horrible music choices. During one of the most intense moments in the book, this idiot thought he would use an electric guitar to provoke a sense of terror. Electric guitar = terror?!? I thought Hoggle was going to pop out of some rocks and save Bella from David Bowe.

And the special effects… if by special you mean rode the short bus then yes, these effects were very special. I think I can guess how the conversation went:

Twilight Jerks: Here’s $50,000. We need a lot of special effects.
George Lucas: Are you kidding me?
Twilight Jerks: That’s all we have budgeted for special effects. Thanks!
George Lucas: Get the intern! We have a project for him.

Robert Pattinson was awesome and uber hot. Cam Gigandet was hot – not really awesome since he had three whole lines (damn you screenwriter). Check back on February 11, 2010 when I can officially state that Taylor Lautner was awesome and hot.


Quantum of Solace
Strawberry Fields? Really? I could feel the entire theater grown in disgust.

The entire franchise turned with Casino Royal so there’s no more Monty Python Q, horrible puns and one-liners that actually cause IQ loss (yes I’m referring to you Sean Connery and your “he’s certainly full of himself”) and no more cameos by Madonna. It was a great movie!

Daniel Craig was awesome and hot.


Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith needs to retire. Yes Kevin Smith, you are too cool for school. You use fuc* and puss* 90 times an hour. You are the coolest kid on your block. My hatred for this movie is three-fold:

1. You had Superman and the Mac guy kiss.
2. You forced me to see Seth Rogen act in a porno!
3. You made me see Jason Mewes naked.

For shame!

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas - no it shouldn't!

In need of overpriced thank you cards, I decided to go to Crystal Court at South Coast Plaza on Monday, November 3rd. Towering before me, as if I was Frodo at the base of Mount Doom, a gargantuan Christmas tree was in the middle of the building, towering 3-stories high. If I was apprehensive, I’m sure the floor would soon be stained with the pee dribblings from little kids. One of the Santas on the tree was headless. Headless.

santa's little helper left his crack pipe on top of the tree

Apparently I missed the memo when Christmas season began at 12:01 AM on November 1st. Again, it was November 3rd. That is only four days past Halloween, 24 days to Thanksgiving and 52 days to Christmas. If elementary mathematics and Price is Right logic still apply, November 3rd is closer to Thanksgiving since Halloween is over. Why the hell is there a Christmas tree in front of me? If the South Coast Plaza elves want a tree so badly, we should campaign to make the Thanksgiving Giblets Tree – I started to design a graphic of that, got grossed out and quit. You are welcome.

Shaking my fist in the air, I decided to get a Starbucks. My venti, nonfat, vanilla latte was in a red, holiday cup. Apparently Starbucks got the memo. I still have not. Starbucks also has invented a new letter for the alphabet and used it for the spelling of my name. Gosh damnit.

wtf?!?

song you need to download now

Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine