my kingdom for a mouse

In the working world I’m a simple gal. I don’t need fancy office supplies like decorative file folders or a bean bag for my cell phone.

really? really?

My post-it notes are pink and my pencil is not mechanical. I don’t like motivational posters, but if I had to look at one it would be this:


I have had the same mouse for the past five years. This last year I thought I had cube ghosts because the mouse curser would randomly travel to different areas on the screen. The cord is so sensitive, if I sneeze it would unplug from the computer – those of you who know how I sneeze, and to unplug something as a result of said sneeze, know this is a feat. Finally fed up I asked the IT department for a new mouse; a cordless mouse. See what I did there?

When you watch the Saturday Night Live skits or movies based in an office, the IT guy is this stereotypical nerd that has been given an ounce of power and has converted it into a pound of tyranny. To set the record straight, yes this stereotype is true. Our company IT department has us submit an e-mail to the “Help Desk” if we have computer problems. Computer doesn’t work so you can’t e-mail, right? You can call HELP on your telephone. Our telephones are connected to the network so if the network is down, not only can you not e-mail but you cannot call HELP. Makes sense so far.

I submitted my ticket for a new cordless mouse and got the following reply:

Dear Adele Pulice,

We have received your email request for help regarding "Mouse replacement." We require the following information so that we can assist you with this request: Please tell us what is wrong with the wireless mouse, have you tried resetting it? Have you replaced batteries?

Best Regards,
Helpdesk

First of all, F you Help Desk for assuming I don’t know to replace the batteries! (Update: I found out that this is a popular Help Desk ticket. Apparently people don’t realize if a battery-operated item stops working, it may be that the batteries are dead – interesting.) Second, I have a wired mouse. WIRED! I sent the following reply:

Hello,

The issue is I have a mouse with a cord and if I tug on the cord, even slightly, the mouse stops working, therefore I put in the ticket to get a cordless mouse. I’ve had this mouse for almost 5 years and I think it’s just time for it to die.

And if I did have a cordless mouse I would have definitely checked the batteries first :)

Adele Pulice

Adding the :) has assured that my statement is to be viewed as casual and calm and also that I am not an idiot and would think about replacing the batteries. Not a minute later I got the following reply:

Dear Adele Pulice,

We are contacting you regarding "Mouse replacement." To exchange your current regular mouse, please reply to this email and let us know. To obtain a wireless mouse, we need approval from an employee with a title of VP or higher ranking. This can be written up in an email and forwarded to Helpdesk referring to SR 1______. Please understand we need written business and group justification for the purchase. If you require further assistance with this issue, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Regards,
Helpdesk

Let’s break this down before I go off on a killing rampage: First off, it was signed Regards, not even Best Regards as in the last e-mail so apparently the :) betrayed me and didn’t work or the IT guy does not have a sense of humor – I’m going with the latter since you should never underestimate the power of the :)

Second: Now I have to get a VP approval for a mouse. Let me remind you kind reader that this was a request for a mouse. A MOUSE! Our department currently does not have a VP so for approval I would have to go to the President of our division, ask him to write an e-mail to the Help Desk and give me permission to have a cordless mouse. I might as well have handed him his cordless mouse and let him beat me with it.

Refusing to give into IT’s request, we found an abandoned wired mouse in an empty office. I feel dirty and beaten.

I think this is what the IT guy looked like