actual conversations I had this year

Person #1: (looks into the candy bowl in my cube) Wow, chocolate eggs.
Me: Yep, from See’s. I only bring the best.
Person #1: It’s not dark chocolate though, I only like dark chocolate.
Me: Well then you don’t get any.
Person #1: Sorry I don’t like dark chocolate.
Me: (evil stare and thinking “are you sh***** me?”

Person #1: Are you mad at me?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Person #1: No
Me: Then no, I’m not mad at you.
Person #1: What if I said yes.
Me: How was your weekend?

Person #2: How did the chat go?
Me: I don’t use the word nemesis enough…

Person #3: (grabbing tissue with Vic VaporRub coated on it to clean his mug)
Me: No! Don’t use that, it has the VaporRub on it.
Person #3: That’s a good thing! It will disinfect my mug.
Me: Um, no it won’t. It may make your mug breathe easier.
Person #3: Really?

Me: So my friend’s brother signed his e-mail to me: Have a rad day.
Person #4: We need to bring back RAD…
Me: I think that’s our goal for the month.
Person #4: And now we enter April, the month of rad.
Me: And so it begins.

Me: (walking inside the house)
Person #5: Is that you?
Me: No.
Person #5: Be serious. Are you home?
Me: No I’m in France.
Person #5: Would it kill you to answer a question?
Me: Would it kill you to wait 10 minutes before making my head explode?