time to laugh at my pain

Having caught the feng shui bug, I had the need to reorganize my desk at home. I came across a two-day journal I wrote just before I was to undergo a procedure – I won’t go into details, but in a nutshell my innards had to be pristine, which meant no absolutely no food. Please enjoy at my expense…

Day 1

8:00 a.m.

Today is the day I begin my fast. Naturally I tried eating a large dinner last night, but somehow it backfired and now I’m starving. Not a good start.

8:30 a.m.

Not allowed coffee. Damn.

11:00 a.m.

Having peed for the 8th time, I’m getting a little sick of water. I stupidly left my white grape juice at home. Getting a little bit hungry. I am allowed a couple slices of turkey for lunch, which will be my last bit of food for a couple days.

Noon

I nibbled at the turkey so the meal would last longer. Half way through I gave up and swallowed it in one gulp. Goodbye food.

3:30 p.m.

Feeling pretty good. This isn’t so bad.

5:00 p.m.

My mother called to remind me to pick up dinner for my Dad’s birthday. Suddenly regretting not telling my parents about the test and now I’m forced to get yummy BBQ.

6:00 p.m.

The food smell in the car is making me want to jump into a grease fryer. It smells SO GOOD! Ribs, ribs, ribs. I hate ribs, but suddenly I would kill a koala for one rib, or to eat the koala.

8:00 p.m.

Told my parents about the test so I wouldn’t have to sit at dinner. My mother, true to form, packed my bags and took me on a guilt trip for not participating in my father’s birthday dinner so I sat at the table sipping my white grape juice as they smacked their lips against chicken, biscuits, mashed potatoes and ribs. I wonder how my family would taste if I threw them on the BBQ…?

9:00 p.m.

Going to bed so I don’t have to deal with the world. I hate koalas.

Day 2

6:00 a.m.

One more day. I can do this. My stomach on the other hand…

8:00 a.m.

Feeling lightheaded and delirious. So this is what madness tastes like.

8:30 a.m.

Still not allowed coffee. Damn.

11:00 a.m.

I think my body surrendered and realized it wasn’t going to get food for another day. I’m feeling okay and confident that the worst is over.

Noon

No more white grape juice – all water until tomorrow. For lunch I am to make a cocktail of some sort of salt medicine my doctor gave me mixed with water. It was pretty much like licking the ocean floor. It says it will take about an hour to kick in.

12:05 p.m.

Apparently it only took 5 minutes for it to kick in and the worst is yet to come.

12:15 p.m.

Are you kidding me?

12:30 p.m.

I want to die.

12:45 p.m.

How is there stuff left in my body?!?

1:00 p.m.

The real question is: Why am I still at work enduring this?!!

1:30 p.m.

Fuc* this shi*! No pun intended. Going home for the day.

2:30 p.m.

Tried taking a nap but my body has other plans. The delirium has been replaced with feelings of torture.

5:00 p.m.

Was able to sleep for a bit in between trips to the bathroom, laying on the floor and cursing the world. Went online and saw most people who undergo the procedure think the preparation is worst than the test. From the description of the test, and medieval looking diagram, I call it a draw.

Day 3

11:30 a.m.

Somewhere between early evening and the test I think I had an out-of-body experience and traveled to the moon since I don’t remember a thing from last night. To put it mildly, the test was every shade of uncomfortable with a dab of evil. After the nurse talked me in from the ledge, I completed the procedure. Almost punched the doctor in the throat when he said I would have to repeat this when I’m 60. To celebrate, I am now ordering a 1 lb. cheeseburger at Fuddrucker’s – will probably gain back the 8 pounds I lost in this one meal.

Noon

Couldn’t wait and had a bite.