Twilight
Where do I begin? First of all, the director, music editor, screenwriter and all emo kids need to be taken out behind a building and bitch slapped. What a horrible movie adaptation! It did not do justice to the novel and that’s too bad since it’s a great book. I guess it also didn’t help that every high school girl in America was in my theater and screamed from things as big as Edward entering the room to things as small as Bella “acting”.
The music editor needs an extra bitch slap for the horrible music choices. During one of the most intense moments in the book, this idiot thought he would use an electric guitar to provoke a sense of terror. Electric guitar = terror?!? I thought Hoggle was going to pop out of some rocks and save Bella from David Bowe.
And the special effects… if by special you mean rode the short bus then yes, these effects were very special. I think I can guess how the conversation went:
Twilight Jerks: Here’s $50,000. We need a lot of special effects.
George Lucas: Are you kidding me?
Twilight Jerks: That’s all we have budgeted for special effects. Thanks!
George Lucas: Get the intern! We have a project for him.
Robert Pattinson was awesome and uber hot. Cam Gigandet was hot – not really awesome since he had three whole lines (damn you screenwriter). Check back on February 11, 2010 when I can officially state that Taylor Lautner was awesome and hot.
Quantum of Solace
Strawberry Fields? Really? I could feel the entire theater grown in disgust.
The entire franchise turned with Casino Royal so there’s no more Monty Python Q, horrible puns and one-liners that actually cause IQ loss (yes I’m referring to you Sean Connery and your “he’s certainly full of himself”) and no more cameos by Madonna. It was a great movie!
Daniel Craig was awesome and hot.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith needs to retire. Yes Kevin Smith, you are too cool for school. You use fuc* and puss* 90 times an hour. You are the coolest kid on your block. My hatred for this movie is three-fold:
1. You had Superman and the Mac guy kiss.
2. You forced me to see Seth Rogen act in a porno!
3. You made me see Jason Mewes naked.
For shame!
Monday, November 24, 2008
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas - no it shouldn't!
In need of overpriced thank you cards, I decided to go to Crystal Court at South Coast Plaza on Monday, November 3rd. Towering before me, as if I was Frodo at the base of Mount Doom, a gargantuan Christmas tree was in the middle of the building, towering 3-stories high. If I was apprehensive, I’m sure the floor would soon be stained with the pee dribblings from little kids. One of the Santas on the tree was headless. Headless.
santa's little helper left his crack pipe on top of the tree
santa's little helper left his crack pipe on top of the treeApparently I missed the memo when Christmas season began at 12:01 AM on November 1st. Again, it was November 3rd. That is only four days past Halloween, 24 days to Thanksgiving and 52 days to Christmas. If elementary mathematics and Price is Right logic still apply, November 3rd is closer to Thanksgiving since Halloween is over. Why the hell is there a Christmas tree in front of me? If the South Coast Plaza elves want a tree so badly, we should campaign to make the Thanksgiving Giblets Tree – I started to design a graphic of that, got grossed out and quit. You are welcome.
Shaking my fist in the air, I decided to get a Starbucks. My venti, nonfat, vanilla latte was in a red, holiday cup. Apparently Starbucks got the memo. I still have not. Starbucks also has invented a new letter for the alphabet and used it for the spelling of my name. Gosh damnit.
Shaking my fist in the air, I decided to get a Starbucks. My venti, nonfat, vanilla latte was in a red, holiday cup. Apparently Starbucks got the memo. I still have not. Starbucks also has invented a new letter for the alphabet and used it for the spelling of my name. Gosh damnit.
wtf?!?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
my name is alice (in frankilin's voice)
Within one week at work, three different people had called me Alice. We realized why when we looked at my e-mail address: apulice@irvinecompany.com. Okay I didn’t realize why but Heather did: apulice. Fellow employees proceeded to call me Alice for the rest of the week.At the Starbucks by my house, Bitter Barista Lady always asks for my name, regardless that I am there every single morning and have told her that if I could I would hook an IV of coffee to my vein. Every single damn time:
Bitter Barista Lady: “Name?”
Me: “Adele.”
Bitter Barista Lady: “What?”
Me: “A-dell.”
Bitter Barista Lady: (dirty look)
Me: (in head: WTF?!?)
Case in point: I tried something new next morning:
Bitter Barista Lady: “Name?”
Me: “Alice.”
Bitter Barista Lady: “Thank you”
Me: (in head: curse you Bitter Barista Lady)
After this initial test, I have decided to stick with Alice for Starbucks orders, food orders, fake name in bars and clubs, credit card applications at sporting events so I can get the hat/fold-up chair/umbrella and fake name for when the elderly want to chat.
I know what you’re thinking. “Alice reminds me of the housekeeper on The Brady Bunch!” Please enjoy these other famous Alice alternatives.
Bitter Barista Lady: “Name?”
Me: “Adele.”
Bitter Barista Lady: “What?”
Me: “A-dell.”
Bitter Barista Lady: (dirty look)
Me: (in head: WTF?!?)
Case in point: I tried something new next morning:
Bitter Barista Lady: “Name?”
Me: “Alice.”
Bitter Barista Lady: “Thank you”
Me: (in head: curse you Bitter Barista Lady)
After this initial test, I have decided to stick with Alice for Starbucks orders, food orders, fake name in bars and clubs, credit card applications at sporting events so I can get the hat/fold-up chair/umbrella and fake name for when the elderly want to chat.
I know what you’re thinking. “Alice reminds me of the housekeeper on The Brady Bunch!” Please enjoy these other famous Alice alternatives.
emo alice
classic alice
immortal alice
rocker alice
cast of alice 
zombie alice
Thursday, October 23, 2008
movie review time
Max Payne
Holy good God did this movie suck. I was waiting for Keanu to run out and smash his arms together to summon the devil or at least knock me out so I didn't have to finish the movie.
Mila Kunis was in it. Mila freaking Kunis! She played a Russian assassin. Are you kidding me?
Ludacris was also in it. Which was just plain ludicrous.
Beau Bridges was the good-guy-oh-wait-he's-the-bad-guy. So basically him and his brother, The Dude, decided to be villains in movies this year. Oh no, I spoiled the movie for you! You can thank me for saving you $11.50 by buying me a Starbucks.
RocknRolla
Ludacris was in this. Who the hell is his agent and how do they keep getting him parts?
It was pretty good! You can tell Guy Ritchie was well past Madonna when he wrote and directed this because it didn't suck. Gerard Butler and Toby Kebbell were awesome and hot. That was pretty much it. It's worth checking out just to give Guy Ritchie money that Madonna can't touch.
Burn After Reading
Brad Pitt and George Clooney were awesome and hot.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
It is official. Jet Li is to movies as David Grohl is to music. Jet Li comes into a movie franchise and kills it with a horrible and pointless performance. Case in point: Lethal Weapon. By the end of that movie franchise in Lethal Weapon 4, Murtaugh and Riggs were fighting ninjas. Fighting ninjas!!! The other 3 were great movies, enter Jet Li and the franchise is officially over.
The 4 th Mummy movie looked bad, but it had a Crouching Tiger/Bond girl so that made up for the faux Evelyn. Enter Jet Li as the evil mummy and you have a crappy movie.
Confused about David Grohl?
Nirvana - in band/group "died"
Smashing Pumpkins - dated bassist/group ended
Hole - dated bassist/group ended
Queens of the Stone Age - drums on album/group lost bassist
Tenacious D - drums on album/group has not yet come out with a 2 nd album
Killing Joke - drums/have you even heard of this band?
Prince - covered one of his songs/Prince is pretty f*ed up
And the Mummy movie sucked.
Holy good God did this movie suck. I was waiting for Keanu to run out and smash his arms together to summon the devil or at least knock me out so I didn't have to finish the movie.
Mila Kunis was in it. Mila freaking Kunis! She played a Russian assassin. Are you kidding me?
Ludacris was also in it. Which was just plain ludicrous.
Beau Bridges was the good-guy-oh-wait-he's-the-bad-guy. So basically him and his brother, The Dude, decided to be villains in movies this year. Oh no, I spoiled the movie for you! You can thank me for saving you $11.50 by buying me a Starbucks.
RocknRolla
Ludacris was in this. Who the hell is his agent and how do they keep getting him parts?
It was pretty good! You can tell Guy Ritchie was well past Madonna when he wrote and directed this because it didn't suck. Gerard Butler and Toby Kebbell were awesome and hot. That was pretty much it. It's worth checking out just to give Guy Ritchie money that Madonna can't touch.
Burn After Reading
Brad Pitt and George Clooney were awesome and hot.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
It is official. Jet Li is to movies as David Grohl is to music. Jet Li comes into a movie franchise and kills it with a horrible and pointless performance. Case in point: Lethal Weapon. By the end of that movie franchise in Lethal Weapon 4, Murtaugh and Riggs were fighting ninjas. Fighting ninjas!!! The other 3 were great movies, enter Jet Li and the franchise is officially over.
The 4 th Mummy movie looked bad, but it had a Crouching Tiger/Bond girl so that made up for the faux Evelyn. Enter Jet Li as the evil mummy and you have a crappy movie.
Confused about David Grohl?
Nirvana - in band/group "died"
Smashing Pumpkins - dated bassist/group ended
Hole - dated bassist/group ended
Queens of the Stone Age - drums on album/group lost bassist
Tenacious D - drums on album/group has not yet come out with a 2 nd album
Killing Joke - drums/have you even heard of this band?
Prince - covered one of his songs/Prince is pretty f*ed up
And the Mummy movie sucked.
women are screwed from year 1
A couple months back I was watching my friends' daughter at her house. We were playing princess party with our old friends Belle, Cinderella, Jasmine, Arora, Snow White, Aerial and Beast. Yes someone invited Beast and guess who had to be Beast? Quickly getting bored, she asked if we could watch Beauty and the Beast on DVD and I happily abided since I had not seen the movie, probably since it came out when I was in 8th grade.
Gaston was a dick.
Beast is a bit of a dick too.
Belle whines too much.
Lumiere is a very dirty old man.
Babette is a whore.
We get to the scene that was the jaw-dropping moment back in 1991 when Belle and Beast dance in the grand ballroom while nosy Mrs. Potts sings Beauty and the Beast. My little friend starts wiggling eagerly in her chair, clasping her Belle and Beast dolls harder and beginning to smile. While still looking at the television she tells me "Watch, here comes the magic." Belle and Beast then share a tender moment.
It hit me on the drive home from their house... she is 3 years old! At 3 years old she knew "the magic was coming". You have got to be kidding me! From this simple statement I finally had my epiphany and realized that we are conditioned from an early age, maybe even birth if our mother went to Disneyland while she was prego, that we, women, need romance.
We are waiting for Prince Philip to slay the dragon (dragon can be ex boyfriend, angry father, angry mother, pimp) and take us away to his castle that we can immediatley redecorate with fixtures and pillows from Pottery Barn. We want Prince Philip to give us a million dollar budget for our wedding at Pelican Hill. We want him to beat up guys who look at us. We want him to buy us a new car because he thought the car color would bring out the highlights in our eyes.
Disney is not the only perp. An author by the name of Stephanie Meyer decided to write a love story about a vampire and oridinary girl overcoming all odds and falling in love. The Twilight series has managed to f*up another generation of girls who now expect their true loves to fight werewolves or rude McDonald's patrons for them. Don't believe me? You can now join the Facebook group "Because of Edward Cullen, human boys have lost their charm". Yes, I am a member.
Maybe next time I babysit we'll watch Charlie Brown cartoons.
Gaston was a dick.
Beast is a bit of a dick too.
Belle whines too much.
Lumiere is a very dirty old man.
Babette is a whore.
We get to the scene that was the jaw-dropping moment back in 1991 when Belle and Beast dance in the grand ballroom while nosy Mrs. Potts sings Beauty and the Beast. My little friend starts wiggling eagerly in her chair, clasping her Belle and Beast dolls harder and beginning to smile. While still looking at the television she tells me "Watch, here comes the magic." Belle and Beast then share a tender moment.
It hit me on the drive home from their house... she is 3 years old! At 3 years old she knew "the magic was coming". You have got to be kidding me! From this simple statement I finally had my epiphany and realized that we are conditioned from an early age, maybe even birth if our mother went to Disneyland while she was prego, that we, women, need romance.
We are waiting for Prince Philip to slay the dragon (dragon can be ex boyfriend, angry father, angry mother, pimp) and take us away to his castle that we can immediatley redecorate with fixtures and pillows from Pottery Barn. We want Prince Philip to give us a million dollar budget for our wedding at Pelican Hill. We want him to beat up guys who look at us. We want him to buy us a new car because he thought the car color would bring out the highlights in our eyes.
this is not romance
Maybe next time I babysit we'll watch Charlie Brown cartoons.
ed harris is a tool
This is a quote from Ed Harris on his new movie Appaloosa, which he produced, directed and co-wrote: “…picked up (the book) Appaloosa because it had a cool cover and looked like a neat book.”
So basically, Ed Harris judged a book by its cover. Shame on you Ed Harris! Hasn’t the educational system taught us from an early age, not to judge a book by its cover?
Okay then, I am judging you by your “cover”. You sucked in The Rock! You were as much as a Brigadier General as I am a Navy Seal. I knew you were fake in A Beautiful Mind! You never once convinced me you were a schizophreic illusion.
Suck it Mitch Wilkinson! (National Treasure - never saw it but it had Ed Harris in it so it sucked)
So basically, Ed Harris judged a book by its cover. Shame on you Ed Harris! Hasn’t the educational system taught us from an early age, not to judge a book by its cover?
Okay then, I am judging you by your “cover”. You sucked in The Rock! You were as much as a Brigadier General as I am a Navy Seal. I knew you were fake in A Beautiful Mind! You never once convinced me you were a schizophreic illusion.
Suck it Mitch Wilkinson! (National Treasure - never saw it but it had Ed Harris in it so it sucked)
let's go to the dmv
Believe it or not, it was 10 years ago that I decided to go to the DMV to update my driver’s license. At that time I was turning 21 and refused to have an ID that had the blue and red lines, which labeled me as a pariah, so I decided to get a new driver’s license so I could order a beer with ease. Wearing my cute green, stripped tank top and bright red lipstick, I showed up for my scheduled appointment at the Westminster DMV completely jubilant that I was there proclaiming myself as a 21-year-old.
To this day it is still my favorite photo.
Fast forward to today. Good lord. Receiving the renewal notice in the mail was only another reminder that I am getting older, but now the DMV has the balls to tell me that when I renew my driver’s license this time I have to actually go into the DMV. I still hear the horror stories people share – they waited an hour, the employees were rude, some guy was knitting in line (wait, what? thanks heather).
I visit the DMV Web site to look up the office hours and closest location. Office hours are 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. How convenient for the working folk.
I go to the map to find the closest location and click on Santa Ana, which is the only city they have in Orange County by the way. In the larger map that opens up, the farthest boundary is Garden Grove. I zoom back out and try the Oceanside map for kicks. The Costa Mesa location finally comes up. Apparently the good people at the DMV think Irvine, Newport Beach and Laguna are closer to Oceanside than Santa Ana. It’s a government agency, why question the logic.
I call to schedule an appointment and press the endless numbers that carry me deeper and deeper through the appointment system. A whopping 7 minutes later I finally hear the kind man voice ask if I want to schedule an appointment. I exhaustively reply “yes”.
“I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. The kind man voice has turned on me.
Day 2. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. I am plotting to kill the kind man voice.
Weekend. Stupid kind man voice.
Day 6. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. Blast you kind voice man and your kind voice family!
Day 5. Because my optimism can sometimes be a defect more than an endearing attribute, I am determined to get an appointment today or do the unthinkable and just walk in without an appointment. So I decide to dress up for the photo, use more lip gloss than necessary and poof my hair.
10:00 Check the wait time on the Costa Mesa DMV Web site: No Appointment: 8 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Who the hell got an appointment?!? Wait, why is there a wait for appointments?!?
11:40: Check wait time one more time before heading over. I am optimistic that I can do this on my lunch hour. No Appointment: 6 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Stupid DMV.
11:50 Realize I forgot my renewal form. Gosh damnit.
12:00 On my way, again, to the DMV really pushing my luck by going at lunch time – lunch hour for many, beginning of the day for others and mandatory outing time for people on probation.
12:10 Park in the empty parking lot –so far looking good.
12:11 My mouth drops in horror when I see the entry line wrapping around the building.
12:20 Overhear the burly biker dude at the front of the line asking for directions to get his license back after being incarcerated. Are you kidding me?
12:30 Front the of line! I was stamped H046.
12:31 Decide to run to the restroom.
12:33 See H046 flashing on the TV screen scattered around the building so I run to the window that’s ready to help me.
12:34 I smile to the man behind the counter, happy that this was looking to be a quick and painless process. I get the look of fury. “Why didn’t you come when I called you?” Smile gone and quickly in attack mode. “I just saw my number flashing. I was in the restroom.” “Well you took too long so now I’m going to help her.” Pointing to the little old woman who snuck up behind me.
12:35 I sulk to my seat, knowing it was too good to be true and beating myself up that I am officially slower than the DMV and a little old woman combined.
12:36 I watch the old woman fail her vision test miserably. She gets to take the “other eye test”. I’m assuming that means she gets to look at bigger letters.
12:37 Angry DMV Man: “Please read the first line of letters.”
Old Woman: “There is no line of letters!”
Angry DMV Man: “Yes there is.”
Old Woman: “Well I don’t see them!”
Angry DMV Man: “Please read the second line of letters.”
Old Woman: “F, T, P, um D, um… um… Y?
Angry DMV Man: “Take this slip and go take your picture.”
Adele: OMFG! Mental note: find out where the old woman lives and stay as far from the city as possible.
12:38 Angry DMV Man waves me over. “You know I could have sent you back to get a new number but since you have a nice smile I’ll let it slide.” I am officially creeped out.
12:40 100% on the vision test, paid my $28 and now I’m off to the photo line.
12:41 The reason for the long line at the photo counter is because a man who looks like the angry army man from Hot Rot is complaining about taking time out of his busy schedule to come down to the DMV. I’m not buying it.
12:42 The woman in front of me is wearing flip flops from the Jenna Jamenson collection. She is also holding her squirming 2-year-old daughter. I patiently wait for her to eat it. Hard.
To this day it is still my favorite photo.
Fast forward to today. Good lord. Receiving the renewal notice in the mail was only another reminder that I am getting older, but now the DMV has the balls to tell me that when I renew my driver’s license this time I have to actually go into the DMV. I still hear the horror stories people share – they waited an hour, the employees were rude, some guy was knitting in line (wait, what? thanks heather).
I visit the DMV Web site to look up the office hours and closest location. Office hours are 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. How convenient for the working folk.
I go to the map to find the closest location and click on Santa Ana, which is the only city they have in Orange County by the way. In the larger map that opens up, the farthest boundary is Garden Grove. I zoom back out and try the Oceanside map for kicks. The Costa Mesa location finally comes up. Apparently the good people at the DMV think Irvine, Newport Beach and Laguna are closer to Oceanside than Santa Ana. It’s a government agency, why question the logic.
I call to schedule an appointment and press the endless numbers that carry me deeper and deeper through the appointment system. A whopping 7 minutes later I finally hear the kind man voice ask if I want to schedule an appointment. I exhaustively reply “yes”.
“I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. The kind man voice has turned on me.
Day 2. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. I am plotting to kill the kind man voice.
Weekend. Stupid kind man voice.
Day 6. “I’m sorry, the appointment scheduler is currently unavailable, please try back again later”. Blast you kind voice man and your kind voice family!
Day 5. Because my optimism can sometimes be a defect more than an endearing attribute, I am determined to get an appointment today or do the unthinkable and just walk in without an appointment. So I decide to dress up for the photo, use more lip gloss than necessary and poof my hair.
10:00 Check the wait time on the Costa Mesa DMV Web site: No Appointment: 8 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Who the hell got an appointment?!? Wait, why is there a wait for appointments?!?
11:40: Check wait time one more time before heading over. I am optimistic that I can do this on my lunch hour. No Appointment: 6 minutes. With Appointment: 6 minutes. Stupid DMV.
11:50 Realize I forgot my renewal form. Gosh damnit.
12:00 On my way, again, to the DMV really pushing my luck by going at lunch time – lunch hour for many, beginning of the day for others and mandatory outing time for people on probation.
12:10 Park in the empty parking lot –so far looking good.
12:11 My mouth drops in horror when I see the entry line wrapping around the building.
12:20 Overhear the burly biker dude at the front of the line asking for directions to get his license back after being incarcerated. Are you kidding me?
12:30 Front the of line! I was stamped H046.
12:31 Decide to run to the restroom.
12:33 See H046 flashing on the TV screen scattered around the building so I run to the window that’s ready to help me.
12:34 I smile to the man behind the counter, happy that this was looking to be a quick and painless process. I get the look of fury. “Why didn’t you come when I called you?” Smile gone and quickly in attack mode. “I just saw my number flashing. I was in the restroom.” “Well you took too long so now I’m going to help her.” Pointing to the little old woman who snuck up behind me.
12:35 I sulk to my seat, knowing it was too good to be true and beating myself up that I am officially slower than the DMV and a little old woman combined.
12:36 I watch the old woman fail her vision test miserably. She gets to take the “other eye test”. I’m assuming that means she gets to look at bigger letters.
12:37 Angry DMV Man: “Please read the first line of letters.”
Old Woman: “There is no line of letters!”
Angry DMV Man: “Yes there is.”
Old Woman: “Well I don’t see them!”
Angry DMV Man: “Please read the second line of letters.”
Old Woman: “F, T, P, um D, um… um… Y?
Angry DMV Man: “Take this slip and go take your picture.”
Adele: OMFG! Mental note: find out where the old woman lives and stay as far from the city as possible.
12:38 Angry DMV Man waves me over. “You know I could have sent you back to get a new number but since you have a nice smile I’ll let it slide.” I am officially creeped out.
12:40 100% on the vision test, paid my $28 and now I’m off to the photo line.
12:41 The reason for the long line at the photo counter is because a man who looks like the angry army man from Hot Rot is complaining about taking time out of his busy schedule to come down to the DMV. I’m not buying it.
12:42 The woman in front of me is wearing flip flops from the Jenna Jamenson collection. She is also holding her squirming 2-year-old daughter. I patiently wait for her to eat it. Hard.
jenna is missing her flip flops
12:43 No luck seeing anyone eat it and it’s finally my turn for the photo. The lady asks for Add-a-lay Pull-lice. I say “It’s Adele.” “Well why do you spell it that way then?” “Because that’s how you spell Adele.” She is not amused.
12:44 Quick pic and I ask the hooked-on-phonics lady how it came out. No reply.
As I left the building, still amazed that only an hour of my life was taken from me, and feeling as if I just watched an episode of Cops, I was happy that my decade trip to the DMV was now over. Even if I am giving the stink eye in my driver’s license photo, I think it will just as good, if not better than the previous one just from the blood, sweat and tears that went into renewing that license. Okay that was a bit dramatic.
12:44 Quick pic and I ask the hooked-on-phonics lady how it came out. No reply.
As I left the building, still amazed that only an hour of my life was taken from me, and feeling as if I just watched an episode of Cops, I was happy that my decade trip to the DMV was now over. Even if I am giving the stink eye in my driver’s license photo, I think it will just as good, if not better than the previous one just from the blood, sweat and tears that went into renewing that license. Okay that was a bit dramatic.
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